


Wait For It

by PrettyMessedUpSituation (MarcelinesNightosphere)



Series: Moments [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Aromantic Dean, Bisexual Dean, Character Study, F/M, Happy Ending, Happy Sam, Human Castiel, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Realization
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-09
Updated: 2016-07-09
Packaged: 2018-07-22 15:05:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7443733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarcelinesNightosphere/pseuds/PrettyMessedUpSituation
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean takes a drive to clear his mind and spends a little time thinking about the people who haunt his thoughts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wait For It

**Author's Note:**

> Yes I was listening to Hamilton while writing this.

Late at night while everyone slept soundly and deeply, he pulled the car out of the garage and drove thirty miles down the road in a direction he hadn’t yet traveled. A quick stop for gas and snacks at a gas station and a brief, interesting back-and-forth with a sweet no-nonsense woman past retiring age behind the counter and he could have made his way back home. But not yet. 

Time alone makes him think a little too much. The people and events that haunt him like to make themselves known when quiet sets in, never letting him forget. As if he could. Instead of turning back to the highway at the blinking yellow light hanging like a beacon in the still night above the crossroads, he drove straight through onto the county road leading toward a patchwork of fields.  The lights from the gas station and lone traffic signal dimmed as he drove on, the road turning from pavement to hard packed dirt. He drove slowly to avoid kicking up too much dust or rock as the Impala rambled down the road. He passed a pull off, likely intended for a tractor, and stopped. He put the car in reverse and backed into the pull off and turned off the engine. As soon as the car's engine went from an idle to nothing, the sounds of the night crept in on him. As he stepped out of the vehicle, the noises overtook him. He smiled. He slid across the car hood and once he was settled, he crossed his arms and ankles. Leaned back on the windshield in this familiar position, he looked up at the stars. A breeze slipped across the tops of the summer corn stalks in the fields like the gentle stroke of a hand and rustled the leaves of a hundred year oak in front of him on the opposite side of the road. At least here he could let his haunts come under the protection of the night sky. 

He thought of Cassie. He didn’t have to wonder where she was. Amongst the dirty history of his internet searches, you’d find a search for Cassie Robinson that would happen every few months. She was working in Atlanta as a journalist, taking down corrupt politicians and pushing for answers that no other reporter could get. He loved watching her successes, wishing he could check in with her in person but not wanting to step in anywhere he wasn’t needed. It would be selfish of him to reach out when she was doing so well. No one deserved their success as much as Cassie Robinson, he decided. Had he loved her? He thought he did. Maybe it was something else. He wanted to love her, and he did in some respect. Maybe he wasn’t in love with her the way he thought he was supposed to be, but his affections were true - even if they weren’t exactly what he’d seen in movies. He was proud of his so-called first love, taking the world by storm and kicking it in the ass.

He found himself absentmindedly touching the tips of his fingers to his lips as he thought of all the kisses he’d received from random lovers throughout the years, but the last person he thought of as he brushed his thumb across his lips was Jo. Sweet, strong Jo. The girl he wanted so badly to touch, but couldn’t. The girl to whom he was a mentor, a nuisance, and an unanswered question. She could haunt him forever. He never tired of thoughts of her, wondering what she would be doing now if she had lived. The guilt he felt would never fade, but now at least he was able to focus on the happy things. He would sing those stupid REO Speedwagon songs she loved whenever they came on the radio instead of changing the station. He would see her smile in a waitress at a bar, but it was never as genuine as Jo’s. He would touch his shoulder where she’d patched him up. In these small moments he both celebrated and mourned her.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before he looked back at the stars and watched a satellite pass across the sky soundlessly. Then, a memory. Lisa. 

It was only alone that he could even think of her. Nothing wrecked him like thinking of Lisa and Ben, and how he couldn’t begin to bring himself to look for them. A few years after he’d last seen them in the hospital, he had tortured himself by trying to find a way to check in on them. That’s when he’d realized just how slippery a slope that would be. He had wanted that life so badly. Even so, he knew it was an impossible dream and that because they'd have no recollection of their past together, he’d only be able to watch through the eyes of a stranger, painfully removed. As with everything, he pushed down the desperation and utter sadness this thought brought him. He choked back the heartache. A moment later a wave of gratefulness washed over him as he remembered how Lisa had nurtured him, took none of his shit when he was a mess, and stood strong no matter what he was going through, even when his anger was wrongly directed at her. She was his caregiver, his rock; and no matter what anyone told him, Ben was his son. 

It was hardest to not reach out to Ben. Deep down he hoped that maybe one day Ben would be suspicious, that like Sam he would be able to scratch at the wall and would come looking for a Dean Winchester, trying to find some answers. Maybe looking for the owner of a box of things he’d found in the garage. Dean wished one day it would finally be safe, and he could tell Lisa everything. She would continue to live her life, but he could be a part of it every once in awhile. He could be there for Ben if he was ever needed. He wouldn’t mind being an on-call part-time husband and father. If it meant being able to see them, to help them, to be needed? He’d fill whatever role they needed him to fill, even if it hurt him terribly to leave when his presence was no longer required. These were selfish hopes, but hopes nonetheless. 

A chill went through him as a soft, momentary breeze blew across his skin. Even though he thought briefly about getting back in the car and heading home, he didn’t move. His haunts weren’t through with him yet. He breathed a heavy sigh and wondered what was next for him. Things were peaceful; Sam had Eileen, and the two of them were staying at the bunker while looking for a house. Eileen was expecting. Sam had finished his law degree and was starting his own practice. 

He and Sam had lost so much, but somehow Sam was ready and willing to move on when things had gotten better, when the monsters stopped going bump in the night. They had safety for the first time in their lives and didn't have to worry about what was around the next corner. Sam took advantage of this new world; they'd earned a win. But Dean seemed to be waiting patiently. He watched his brother grow happy and successful. He thought about leaving the bunker, but it felt too much like home. Even when it was just him, alone, he was content. It was as if he had the whole of the Men of Letters there behind him, a legacy he was in charge of protecting. Sam and Dean had risen from nothing, had scratched and fought to survive, and now while Sam was quickly making up for over a decade of lost time, Dean was still lying in wait for what his future would bring. Cas had told him that Sam was making things happen and that Dean shouldn’t hesitate if there was something he wanted from life. 

“What more could I want?” he’d said in return. “The people I care about are happy and safe. I have a roof over my head and a fridge full of food. Baby’s got gas in the tank. I’m good.”

 

His life had always been an endless question of what was next, and now that Dean had some control over it, he felt stronger. Circumstances weren’t dictating his future anymore. Whatever happened next, it was up to him. There must have been a reason that lovers had come and gone, that he never found anyone that matched him perfectly. There must have been a reason that he’d lived through everything, to have been brought back so many times when Death should have taken him, when so many friends and family hadn’t made it to be there to see Sam Winchester get married and leave the life. He chuckled quietly to himself wondering what Bobby or Ellen would say. Probably something along the lines of what he had said.  _ It’s about damn time.  _ Sam had seen what he wanted from life, and he’d taken it without hesitation. 

Dean wouldn’t be completely alone once Sam and Eileen moved out. Of course, Cas was there with him. Cas - someone who he thankfully didn’t have to keep tabs on anymore. Cas had been there through almost all of the brothers' low points as well as their best moments. He’d made mistakes just as they had, had sacrificed and fought alongside them, and was a loyal confidant. And now, unless Cas decided to strike out on his own, he’d be making a home in the bunker, same as Dean. 

 

The temperature drop felt good, but he felt it was a sign to move on down the road. He started up the car and made a wide turn back onto the unpaved off-shoot of the county road. The drive home was quiet. He left the radio off and tried to focus on the road, but his thoughts kept drifting. What was he waiting for? He’d kept telling himself this was Sam’s time. Through an engagement announcement and a bachelor party, a graduation and a wedding, being told he was going to be an uncle and an upcoming baby shower, he hadn’t had time to ask himself what  _ he _ wanted. 

Dean was fine with that. Nearly his whole life had been dedicated to Sam, so it wasn’t as if he was compromising his own happiness to see his brother happy. He was content with his place as the older brother; but maybe it was finally time for something more. A little something for himself.

He set the keys to the Impala down on the table in the kitchen and continued on to his room. Before he reached it, Cas stepped out into the hallway.

“Dean. Where have you been?” he asked, sounding a bit worried. He looked at his watch, a gift from Dean when Cas had become human after everything the dust had settled. 

Dean smiled, both at Cas's worry and the slight novelty of watching an ex-angel check his watch. “Just out for a drive. Needed to clear my head.”

Cas relaxed and leaned his shoulder against the wall in the hallway, his arms crossed. “Did it work?” 

“Always helps,” Dean replied. 

“Hopefully it didn’t work _too_ well,” Cas said, failing to stifle a grin. “I wouldn’t know what to do with a Dean Winchester who thought with an untroubled mind.” 

  
It’s funny how some things can, quite suddenly, become unmistakably clear. 


End file.
